I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
