It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
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No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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