for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
