She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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