it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
