I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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