I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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