I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
