thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
