don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
