I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
