Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
