she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
