i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
