I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
