Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
