I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
