Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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