Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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