Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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