after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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