Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?