If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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