Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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