My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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