its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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