If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
