Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
