Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
