I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
