My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
