dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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