wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
