I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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