I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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