too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
