heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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