Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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