Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
