i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
