Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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