I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
