Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
