Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.