I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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