Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
farters have to be the big spoon...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
