shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
