Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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