The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
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I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
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I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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