Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
