I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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