Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
