That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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