Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Rumble strips road head = magical
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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