So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
