i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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