My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
