Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
