Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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